Ch.Ch.Ch.Ch.Changes ...

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind

Rom 12:12

We love transformation stories: Before and After, happily ever after. The hero goes on a quest or faces a challenge, in the process of which they discover their true selves, become a better version of themselves, break free of life-limiting constraints and sometimes save the world too. My heroes were Frodo, Jane Eyre, Elizabeth Bennett. And my favourite book was 'A Wrinkle in Time' by Madeleine l'Engle, with Meg Murry as the super-intelligent nerdy misfit girl hero (easy to see why I associated with her) who gets caught up in the cosmic battle of light, good, freedom and love against dark, evil and control. 

Meg Murry in the film version of 'A Wrinkle in Time'

In the 80's I devoured stories of transformation based within the framework of the Christian story: 'The Cross and the Switchblade' (Mau Mau gang members in New York finding Jesus), 'Chasing the Dragon' (Triad gang members and heroin addicts in Hong Kong finding Jesus), 'From Witchcraft to Christ' (self-explanatory), 'I Dared to call him Father' (Moslem woman finding Jesus), 'Surprised by Joy' (crusty old bachelor academic falling in love with an American woman and also finding Jesus), and many more. The story arc was reassuring and inspiring: someone's life was crap, they found Jesus, they were transformed. Happy ever after. 

I was supposed to be able to 'give my testimony', a simple story of how Jesus had transformed my life. I didn't really have a satisfyingly dreadful 'before' to describe, but I developed several versions, all aspects of the truth, tailored to different audiences. 

In one, I had never really known love until I encountered the Holy Spirit and met the Father. This was a massive oversimplification of my actual life, in which I had always believed in God as my heavenly Father. I smile now, as I think about how we experience emotion, and each powerful experience feels more immediate or intense than anything that's gone before. 

A second version told how I had needed to 'give my life to Jesus' as a teenager, in order to know God's guidance and wisdom. But I kept on 'giving my life to Jesus' at regular intervals, and daily, and I don't think that particular occasion in my red dungarees in a marquee on Midsummer Common made any noticeable changes to my life or spirituality.

I still say that Jesus saved me, as I still believe that membership of a clear social group which had to accept me was a valuable, even vital part of my development into a relatively normal adult. I found church, and student Christian groups, an easy place to feel belonging. I had a right to be there, and people had to be nice to me. This belonging and identity gave me a secure base.

In the same way that Holywood 'happy ever after' stories are only true as a myth, an aspiration, I don't believe these transformation stories as a simple binary of Before and After. Life is more complicated than that. I could give testimonies of how God had saved my marriage, but then we'd enter the next desert or crisis. Then heartbreak, grieving, forgiveness, fresh resolutions. At one point I felt I'd had six marriages - to the same man - with different balances of power, roles, renewed sexual energy or levels of communication. But then things would drift, the gaps would open up, the list of contentious topics not to be mentioned would grow again.

The perspective of all those 'X to Christ' stories is inevitably biased. Looking from the inside of the church, we celebrated people who came to join us, who felt their lives had been transformed by becoming part of our group. From death to life, from darkness to light, from guilt to freedom; these were the metaphors in the Bible which we loved to apply. 

But what about people moving the other way? Who told their stories? Now I find there are many. I have really enjoyed Tony and Bart Campolo's honest and open discussions in 'Why I Left: Why I stayed' (video discussion here). Bart grew up in an evangelical context, deeply involved in missions and social action, but came to realise that the promises of life transformation were meaningless to people caught in social deprivation. He is now a humanist. I've followed Josh Harris, who was a key leader in the purity movement, and has now apologized for the role he played in causing anyone feelings of shame, fear and guilt. Today, he no longer considers himself a Christian. I've listened to 'Unfollow', the story of a woman totally committed to the goals of Westboro Baptist Church, and how she changed her mind and broke free. This was very interesting for me, as I recognised so many of the thought patterns, although the beliefs were more extreme. 

I also wonder what stories people in other belief systems could tell. Are there books describing people's dramatic transformation as they committed their lives to Islam? I would think there probably are. 

Crises are an accepted part of life, and can be triggered by hormonal changes, health events, bereavement, relationship breakdown, or just the angst of middle age, wondering what it's all about and what you want to do with the limited time that is left. My mid-life crisis started just before I was fifty, and I can tell a story of transformation which I could ascribe to various causes. 

There is a version in which I became more confident in myself as an independent human being, as my children reached adulthood and I found a new and successful career. Simultaneously I studied Psychology, learning more about how the mind works, and realised some of the tricks I'd been playing on myself and the groupthink I'd submitted to. I started to run and run further and further, enjoying building my physical and mental stamina. And I learnt to enjoy solitude, going off on walking trips and backpacking the Pennine Way to celebrate my 50th birthday. I'd never thought I could hike alone, but found I could, with training from Liz, who is a DofE Gold trainer and assessor and a very good friend. She lent me her bivvy bag so I wouldn't die on Cross Fell, and gave me a mug to celebrate. So maybe the Duke of Edinburgh changed my life. 

Another version tells how I rediscovered my sexuality when I hit menopause, an unexpected and exhilarating rush of libido which turns out to be fairly common but not commonly discussed. I found myself reading stories about polyamory. I was curious, only having had one lover in my entire life, and wondered what other experiences I could enjoy. I developed a massive crush on an Albanian mountain guide, a state of exquisite unrequited longing and limerence which lasted for two years, an escape fantasy. The monogamous framework insisted that all my desires could be met within one relationship, and my feelings for someone else were a symptom that there were issues within my marriage that needed to be addressed. For some people this may be true, but we had tried this multiple times. My husband was very understanding and we tried to change things again, but my curiosity was insatiable. A non-monogamous perspective says that it is perfectly natural to be able to love more than one person, and for different people to meet different needs. I have found this to be true for me at this stage in my life.

My Albanian escape fantasy

When I was recovering from long Covid in 2020 I had two sessions of acupuncture. I am generally sceptical about alternative medicine (if it has an evidence base it would actually be classed as 'medicine') but I was willing to try it, on the recommendation of a man I loved, and believing that even a placebo effect might help. The first time I went, I was so exhausted I couldn't manage to keep my eyes open as the acupuncturist was interviewing me about my diet and lifestyle, I was breathless and aching, and I fell asleep while she stuck needles in me. The second time I went, two weeks later, I was starting to regain energy and the breathlessness was subsiding. She was really keen for me to credit acupuncture with my cure, but she lost me when she talked about warming my chi by eating hot porridge in the morning rather than my delicious muesli with kefir. And eating red foods like beetroot to help my blood. Sorry, no. So if I'd been less scientific and sceptical I could have told the story of 'acupuncture cured me', but actually I think it was a coincidence of timing, as I had stopped work and was able to rest and gradually increase my activity levels. 

It is impossible to ascribe cause and effect in individual cases. People love anecdotal evidence, the stories of 'miracle cures', whether through Christian prayer or other therapies, but unless they are part of large-scale independent double blind controlled trials, with consistent protocols and high quality statistical analysis, they are really meaningless. I have been researching the evidence base for supposed miracles in Mozambique and Hong Kong, and am unconvinced. The research fails on all of these key criteria. There are stories of lasting transformation, but nothing that can't be explained by expectation effects, the power of social support, and researcher bias. If you're looking from inside the Christian bubble, these stories are wonderfully affirming. But from outside they look like before-and-after snapshots of excited born-again feelings at best, and at worst they can be completely fake and toxic. I knew people in Winchester who gave up their lives, careers, university education and homes to join TB Joshua's work in Nigeria. I didn't speak my fears as they made these radical choices, not wanting to be the one whose lack of faith held back the work of the Holy Spirit, the one who said 'I don't believe in fairies'. 

My current story of choice is 'permaculture changed my life'. I love this story, as it has led me to a beautiful place to live, a passion and purpose, and a very healthy but relaxed outdoor lifestyle. It makes sense scientifically, with what I've always know about nutrient cycles from Biology, with what we're learning about the soil and mycorrhizal forest relationships, and also as a resilient plan to survive the ecological and climate catastrophe that lies ahead. And I'm healthier now, in body and mind, than I've ever been. A renewed mind.

When I was recovering from breast cancer treatment in 2018 I decided I'd have a tattoo, to reclaim my body and make the scar into something beautiful, but I didn't know what image to choose. In 2019 I suddenly knew what I wanted: a Phoenix, the symbol of new life rising from the ashes. A transformation, a new birth, a new life.